go

I dont wanna "get by" cause that aint living,  I dont trust these niggas but I can trust my intuition,  I feel my path is God given, may look twisted to you--but I feel you have twisted vision. Im living the best way I know how, and all those past incisions are just proud scars of battle now. A scar is just proof that you are stronger than the who -or what that tried to fuck you up. Im built tough, not like Ford but like from the lord, I laser cut ice with swords and tell all these broads--im still here. I use fear as motivation,  my success--your aggravation.   I aint waiting no more. Im all go, you all show, im all glow. So just know like Leroy "im the master". And when I get to moving faster than your stilettos with no time for hello and we cant gel...don't get jeal-ous.  And if you do so what, like I give a fuck, its strait come up. So don't run up asking questions--cause I ain't answering nothing except "what that trap bout?" You want out better leave now or prepare to bow down...lol...nah I aint queen bey, im queen me. TTG. period point blank beginning of story, gossiping bores me, im out for glory, so abhor me or ignore me, but you wont be before me, and just when you had enough imma give you more me.  Glory glory hallelujah,  what that blade do to ya, is that luminor or muller, no days of like bueler.  you ain't with us then screw ya, im not fresh im newer. Im not Zales im jeweler. You too hot im cooler, you post up --im mover.  Pirate of the carribean and if I aint sseeing more then most im ODing....fuck that im OGing...rip Double D-ing. Yeah thats right I said it, cashing out on credit, maxing out on debit, go broke oh nope wont let it. Me and mines all solid, bigfoot to a hobbit,  my closet against your closet, my pocket against your pocket, my watches against your watches, I dare you to top it.....matter fact I dare you to stop it......if its popping imma pop it, and all I got is beatdowns for any hoe round aint helping my pockets. Dig dat but don't knock it, really un-knock-able....fuck that....un-stop-able, cause even the the word say im-possible, so possibly if you looking for something to see, I got 20 that say its me yes me, hating don't make you great-so hey just let it be.

I belong to HIM

When I think of the goodness of God at times all I can do is cry, when I think of all the times he saved me I can only wonder why, I am not perfect-nor do I pretend to be, the only answer I have is, he really must love me, he loves me in a real sense but not like my friends, my relatives, or my man, he loves me in a sense that I have yet to understand.  He birthed me from his spirit and set me free upon the earth, and tho at times I felt alone he's been with me since birth. Now I do dirt-- go wrong --and choose wrong with some decisions, but a day has yet to go by where I was left without provisions.  I have ignored his warnings seeking to fulfill my own desires, and still he covered me like teflon and led me through the fires. Hes no liar.  hes my provider. my guider. my creator.  and in my heart of hearts I know theres nothing greater. Never woulda made it ......a testimony to my life. Even in the darkest the loneliest the coldest most confusing times in life, he speaks to me in silence and gives me insight. When I think of the goodness of God at times all I can do is cry, when I think of all the times he saved me I can only wonder why. He thinks I am special I can tell by my name, though I have been lonely im never alone for we are one in the same. I listened to the pastor as he spoke of history's men and the downtrodden the thieves and those filled with sin, I began to see a pattern that sparked me up inside, he is for the humble for the forgotten for those the rest denied.  But in each of these stories he washed the people clean, giving them a glow, that all would know, whenever it was seen. My mother left me, my father abandoned me, I have life my entire life with little sense of family.  My brother betrayed me my sisters spoke of me ill. Ive watched love die and seen friends killed.  But I still live, I still breathe, I still rise, seemingly untouched, ive been through much, to some would be a surprise.   I prayed this morning giving my petitions for this new year, secretly I worried if he even really hears--for I too am a sinner by definition of the world, but in his eyes i realized I am just his babygirl. When I think of the goodness of God all I can do is cry, when I think of how many times he saved me I can only wonder why. He has a purpose for me, a destiny, not yet fulfilled, and he encourages me,  so urgently, everyday to make it real. At times tho life has gotten heavy weighted my every step, haunted me with sorrows and threatened to take my breath, I can become mired by the minuscule drowning in the details of what if, afraid to make a wrong move so instead I sit. This time is different though this time is the truth, this time I will win is in my spirit though I can give no tangible proof, all I know is my spirit asked a question looking for a confirmation of my belief, and the word spoke to me "daughter" he said to her "your faith has made you well. Go in peace". I cried. Then I stood feeling good, put my shoulders back, like its okay that what it say, and who can argue that?  The world cannot break me I am more than even I know, and even if I never shine my divine will always glow. when I think of the goodness of God,  all I can do is cry, when I think of all the times he saved me I can only wonder why.

a mother's silent tears

i awake before the sunrise in a familiar place with an unfamiliar feeling. There is a void in the silence. This is a far cry from the previous hours where the grief gave way to celebration, libations, and various groups splintered offsmoking that "kush" as she says telling tales, reminiscing, sharing memories and disbelief. Others are vying for attention attaching thier name to any mention of the honored guest trying thier best to be more important than they are---kids dance on cars---losers act like  stars, "which club??--which bar???--which car??" conversations create a low roar of irritation which she no longer wants to hear sobbing internal tears she protest "STOP!" and i am thankful because my head is swelling with a million thoughts as i strain every bone in my body to sit here calmly and not act a fool.  but I digress, i hear her foot steps shuffle above my head then slowly descend the stairs, she smiles...happy that i am here, I smile ....happy that shes here.  With her morning dose of hot caffiene my cup of minted tea two of his queens sit as the sun rises......a mothers tears are silent.  a look of yearning through heartbroken eyes, side by side we share the same grief feel the same hurt of which we dare not speak, seeking solidarity in despair, shes glad im here im glad shes here. we find reasons to laugh so we both dont cry, back of our minds wondering why, i can feel her spirit.  Friends, family, visitors, sisters, well wishers pass like a blur                in a whirlwind of whispers we sit, slowly revealing secret memories that made us laugh quickly changing subjects as not to let the inevitable sink through....from now on memories will have to do. its dinnwr but we have only digested the mutual pain enuff to puff more nicotine.  her heart is heavy, her smile is reflex rather than joy. i am afraid to leave her side for fear that she, or maybe i, mite fall not have the strength to stand just yet. beingcloser to her i feel closer to him, then his face flashes on the screen....in a moment of unexoectedness we both beam with our own desire to call him up and spread the news, then fades to blues as reality sets in. she is grim. i say fuck the tv she agrees and we laugh dividing in half the pain.  it is nitefall. i catch her intermittingly gazing at something i cant see and i wonder how deep her pain must be though i loved him as a man i could never understand, a mothers tears.  i know she wears a mask so i wouldnt dare ask if shes okay forcing her to say something untrue but i do what i can to lend a hand so we both get through.

don't hate...let me be great

nobody loves me this i can tell, they say life is beautiful but mine is a hell, for nobody loves me and this is my truth, but why is the question when my love is true. my friends are not friends they are just people i know, who smile in my face and throw shade on the low. family is like strangers who share the same blood we share the same features but not the same love.   to them im just an image, a picture, a face, not someone to share memories or invite to thier place. but when they need shelter my door is open wide, with food with warm with love all inside.  they enjoy all the comforts and sleep with a smile and when the need passes they toss me aside.  Then speak with disdain like its me they despise how i fed them too much say my blankets are too plush the heat was too high. Im not invited to thier home for that reason or this but i witness them buying the same exact shit. that same plush blanket that same crystal plate, the same one you said was too shiny but yet off you ate.  friends are no better fairweather to say the least, how can we play the same team if im with whom you choose to compete.  its deep cause envy is the root of it all. cause i think "us against them" they think "me against y'all" .  im thoroughly disappointed at the state of this world and silently wonder who reall y loves this girl? Men want my body, enemies want my shine, friends want my downfall, the devil wants my mind, others want my money, some want my peace, but who wants me? every single piece? who can share my success without wishing it was theirs? who can support me in my failures? instead of taking joy that i was there? why does nobody love me? i really need to know, because i dont want false tears after i go. does anybody love me? even see the real me? or do they think i am stone? that i work so hard just to celebrate alone? if i was broke and ashamed would that make me more fun to be around cause you'd be doing better and could at me look down?  if my clothes were tattered instead of fresh from a store woud you criticize me less or still call me whore? if my nails didn't sparkle with rhinestones toes freshly manicured would you quicker hold my hand? if i frowned through life and greeted you with growls would you be more accepting or consider me down? i don't understand.   why does me being who i am make you hate me so much? especially when i see you i only show love. nobody loves me so if i die alone at least ill go to god and finally be at home. He made me as i am and as i am to be so even if no one else approves..,hes there......unconditionally.

sophistagangstaratchet

some of these hoes just bout the show--get
me im here for the dough---check
so when u speak on this hoe----vet
wadrobe got that swag though---next
vodka all in my cup--wet
diamonds all on my bez--set
G's all on my belt--fresh
Beyonce all wit my weave--tress
MAC beating my face--dress
spikes all on my heels---step
why u smokin that mid?---stress
quality of my greens---best
nigga all on my line---pressed
hit em all wit that swerve---text
unless i need to get served--sex
early morning that gym---flex
late nite that club--sweat
trackstar on the go---get
never scared to throw blows--deck
daddy told me dont fold--'spect
so I aint worried bout those--'chets
reaching for what i aint hold--yet
state to state every hood--yes
seem like my pass is still good--bet
bitch like me gotta eat---mess
skrimps all on my plate--guess
goose all in my bed---rest

practice makes perfect

fizzle fizzle pop pop --purple purple drip drop, slow time.....tick.........tock .....slow mind...but dont stop. click click .....the heels... fox trot......click clack......the steel..my glock. i squeeze once and breathe deep....adjust grip.....repeat.  i may doze but cant sleep.....it feels cold but warms me.  so loud my headaches.....hold steady..... aim strait.  sheet one the warm up.......sheet two lost love....sheet three just because......the sulphurs......the fresh smoke....slow sip.....good dope. Rapid fire to the right......i feel tense....but its alrite.  shells drop.....he reloads my body froze....i contemplate.......breathe once squeeze twice........fake friends...i squeeze thrice......kickback is a beast.  i lock wrist......deep squint...move back twenty from ten...a fan spins in the background.  steady....bitch get steady , we got 29 more to blow.  For the fake niggas.....for the two face bitches.....for the dirt ass weed....reload....for role im given...for the living.......for the dead.....for the memories that haunt my head.....for my regrets....for my dreams.....for my failures....for my needs...for my heart...reload....for my hurt....for my struggle.......for my work.....for my days....for my nights....for my brother....for my life.....for my abuelo....for my sabrinos...reload...for my naivete....for my ego.....for my innocence...for my future...for the fuck of it.....for the luck of it....for my unanswered prayers...for my fears.....breathe bitch breathe...my heart is racing a million miles an hour inhaling the stale air filled with toxic powder...i exhale.

Acceptance not manditory

I'm ten toes down in my truth holding my square, in the midst of ghetto bitches with taco meat edges and long Brazilian hair, the game aint fair, but the game is life---so who's to say in anyway who wrong or whose right?..... Right? We own the night, vampin, as we say--- in it to win it and spend it everyday, we don't play fair we dominate, but you aint bout that there---so you gotta hate. Designer we got the finer carbon fiber liner on Forgiato tires fireplaces with gas fires---fences fountains and floodlights that'll blind ya--- see that wrist he a shiner---see them shoes she a grinder--the blade simonized her.  A few instructions and the streets corruption can make something so beautiful appear ugly in its dysfunction but it means nothing when all  you touching turns to gold, its just........sometimes....the nites are cold. dreams and nightmares at the same damn time blessed by the God and D'evils in the same damn signs, feeling like a motherless child gripping an iced out rosary tattooing holy scrolls on me praying for the person i supposed to be praying he illuminate this road he chose for me praying he watch over me, strolling a ---green mile......No church in da wild.  The joke like even my plates round cause squares cant be down unless it holds shoes, bills, or comes with surround sound.  A twisted mind on an endless grind with limited time sips of vodka lime sits and twist a dime activist wit sprite is fine but i would much rather lean cuz my purse is too heavy.  With broken hopes and hardened hearts we all play our part, My tears could break the levy...my years make me feel heavy....my initiation was due to frustration disguised as determination wrapped in desperation seeing as my station was keeping me stationary.  Dancing Bears.......So when the train stopped in front of me I hopped on it humbly everything numb in me pretty sure I was in the caboose aka the trains ass but I would work up to first class cuz its sumthin in me.  Lets take the long ride I got brains I got pride and one way ticket.  There is no regrets only knowledge school of hard knocks call it the corner college, and this collage of faces and places cold steel bracelets courtrooms and court cases most never make it beyond the place where they started.  Others are dearly departed resting in paradise crap shoot roll the dice, I wonder if Tupac was right and heaven really got a ghetto.  I wonder if you could walk a mile in my stilettos.....Top of the morning.  Throw on my Jordans and they still might not fit..... even comfortable as this you still hear the hiss of the judgmental whispering of your wasted potential but confused in your mental cause you just left the jeweler with twelve racks.  Cup size looking like a Double D sitting in Wing Stop trying to cut a side deal on the wings with the cook in the back cuz you want some shit for free.  Real shit You probably wouldn't know how to act. Real shit You probably be paranoid you'd get jacked.  Real shit You wont jump off the porch like that cuz is takes Cohnes and all I really know is you aint built like that.  I take the good with the bad a little angry a little sad boil it in a pot with a whole lot of I DONT GIVE A FUCK.......the next day I get up and .......
I'm ten toes down in my truth holding my square, all I'm saying is this ............respect my edges bitch.

curse the sunshine

As I reluctantly rise from my bed so begins another day.....this wretched rainbow--beauty of ombre reds and golds slowly unfolds before my swollen eyes inducing a reality that i despise. In my house is silence. Between sips of tea, between thoughts of he, between memories of we I am slowly dying.  Creatures of the sky perch and chirp singing songs to celebrate your awakening I am deaf to thier melody. I hate you...for that day.  For that morning you rose just the same knowing you would bring me pain. I wish you had given me a clue ---- maybe rose with a different hue, perhaps even never risen at all.  Yet you stood tall in all your grandious splender displaying your burning embers boldy anouncing your presence failing to remember that without him you mean nothing to me.  You want me to love you but I dont.  You want me to lay beneath you half naked soaking in your glow but i wont.  I curse you.  I curse you for illuminating the world that extinguished his light. Then you rested like it was alright, and awakened the next day in just the same way basking in your own magnificence completely ignorant to the fact that he stayed sleep, eternally.  Seeing you is burning me inside cause he died and your still here.