a mother's silent tears

i awake before the sunrise in a familiar place with an unfamiliar feeling. There is a void in the silence. This is a far cry from the previous hours where the grief gave way to celebration, libations, and various groups splintered offsmoking that "kush" as she says telling tales, reminiscing, sharing memories and disbelief. Others are vying for attention attaching thier name to any mention of the honored guest trying thier best to be more important than they are---kids dance on cars---losers act like  stars, "which club??--which bar???--which car??" conversations create a low roar of irritation which she no longer wants to hear sobbing internal tears she protest "STOP!" and i am thankful because my head is swelling with a million thoughts as i strain every bone in my body to sit here calmly and not act a fool.  but I digress, i hear her foot steps shuffle above my head then slowly descend the stairs, she smiles...happy that i am here, I smile ....happy that shes here.  With her morning dose of hot caffiene my cup of minted tea two of his queens sit as the sun rises......a mothers tears are silent.  a look of yearning through heartbroken eyes, side by side we share the same grief feel the same hurt of which we dare not speak, seeking solidarity in despair, shes glad im here im glad shes here. we find reasons to laugh so we both dont cry, back of our minds wondering why, i can feel her spirit.  Friends, family, visitors, sisters, well wishers pass like a blur                in a whirlwind of whispers we sit, slowly revealing secret memories that made us laugh quickly changing subjects as not to let the inevitable sink through....from now on memories will have to do. its dinnwr but we have only digested the mutual pain enuff to puff more nicotine.  her heart is heavy, her smile is reflex rather than joy. i am afraid to leave her side for fear that she, or maybe i, mite fall not have the strength to stand just yet. beingcloser to her i feel closer to him, then his face flashes on the screen....in a moment of unexoectedness we both beam with our own desire to call him up and spread the news, then fades to blues as reality sets in. she is grim. i say fuck the tv she agrees and we laugh dividing in half the pain.  it is nitefall. i catch her intermittingly gazing at something i cant see and i wonder how deep her pain must be though i loved him as a man i could never understand, a mothers tears.  i know she wears a mask so i wouldnt dare ask if shes okay forcing her to say something untrue but i do what i can to lend a hand so we both get through.