a mother's silent tears

i awake before the sunrise in a familiar place with an unfamiliar feeling. There is a void in the silence. This is a far cry from the previous hours where the grief gave way to celebration, libations, and various groups splintered offsmoking that "kush" as she says telling tales, reminiscing, sharing memories and disbelief. Others are vying for attention attaching thier name to any mention of the honored guest trying thier best to be more important than they are---kids dance on cars---losers act like  stars, "which club??--which bar???--which car??" conversations create a low roar of irritation which she no longer wants to hear sobbing internal tears she protest "STOP!" and i am thankful because my head is swelling with a million thoughts as i strain every bone in my body to sit here calmly and not act a fool.  but I digress, i hear her foot steps shuffle above my head then slowly descend the stairs, she smiles...happy that i am here, I smile ....happy that shes here.  With her morning dose of hot caffiene my cup of minted tea two of his queens sit as the sun rises......a mothers tears are silent.  a look of yearning through heartbroken eyes, side by side we share the same grief feel the same hurt of which we dare not speak, seeking solidarity in despair, shes glad im here im glad shes here. we find reasons to laugh so we both dont cry, back of our minds wondering why, i can feel her spirit.  Friends, family, visitors, sisters, well wishers pass like a blur                in a whirlwind of whispers we sit, slowly revealing secret memories that made us laugh quickly changing subjects as not to let the inevitable sink through....from now on memories will have to do. its dinnwr but we have only digested the mutual pain enuff to puff more nicotine.  her heart is heavy, her smile is reflex rather than joy. i am afraid to leave her side for fear that she, or maybe i, mite fall not have the strength to stand just yet. beingcloser to her i feel closer to him, then his face flashes on the screen....in a moment of unexoectedness we both beam with our own desire to call him up and spread the news, then fades to blues as reality sets in. she is grim. i say fuck the tv she agrees and we laugh dividing in half the pain.  it is nitefall. i catch her intermittingly gazing at something i cant see and i wonder how deep her pain must be though i loved him as a man i could never understand, a mothers tears.  i know she wears a mask so i wouldnt dare ask if shes okay forcing her to say something untrue but i do what i can to lend a hand so we both get through.

don't hate...let me be great

nobody loves me this i can tell, they say life is beautiful but mine is a hell, for nobody loves me and this is my truth, but why is the question when my love is true. my friends are not friends they are just people i know, who smile in my face and throw shade on the low. family is like strangers who share the same blood we share the same features but not the same love.   to them im just an image, a picture, a face, not someone to share memories or invite to thier place. but when they need shelter my door is open wide, with food with warm with love all inside.  they enjoy all the comforts and sleep with a smile and when the need passes they toss me aside.  Then speak with disdain like its me they despise how i fed them too much say my blankets are too plush the heat was too high. Im not invited to thier home for that reason or this but i witness them buying the same exact shit. that same plush blanket that same crystal plate, the same one you said was too shiny but yet off you ate.  friends are no better fairweather to say the least, how can we play the same team if im with whom you choose to compete.  its deep cause envy is the root of it all. cause i think "us against them" they think "me against y'all" .  im thoroughly disappointed at the state of this world and silently wonder who reall y loves this girl? Men want my body, enemies want my shine, friends want my downfall, the devil wants my mind, others want my money, some want my peace, but who wants me? every single piece? who can share my success without wishing it was theirs? who can support me in my failures? instead of taking joy that i was there? why does nobody love me? i really need to know, because i dont want false tears after i go. does anybody love me? even see the real me? or do they think i am stone? that i work so hard just to celebrate alone? if i was broke and ashamed would that make me more fun to be around cause you'd be doing better and could at me look down?  if my clothes were tattered instead of fresh from a store woud you criticize me less or still call me whore? if my nails didn't sparkle with rhinestones toes freshly manicured would you quicker hold my hand? if i frowned through life and greeted you with growls would you be more accepting or consider me down? i don't understand.   why does me being who i am make you hate me so much? especially when i see you i only show love. nobody loves me so if i die alone at least ill go to god and finally be at home. He made me as i am and as i am to be so even if no one else approves..,hes there......unconditionally.